The Definition of Family

What is family? Is family the group of people you are born into, sharing a parent somewhere in there, an uncle, a sibling, a grandparent? Is family who you are raised with as a child no matter how good or bad that childhood was? Alternatively, is it the people you choose to surround yourself with, whether they are blood related or not, that are there for you?

I am coming to the realization that blood has little to do with it. You can pick your friends but you can't pick your blood relatives. If you're lucky, you are surrounded by supportive, loving people who are there for you. If you're lucky, they are blood relatives. If some of those blood or marital ties are toxic, hopefully you are lucky enough to find support somewhere else and call them family.

With the end of the year coming, I find myself wanting to clear out everything and everybody toxic. Liars - gone. Users - gone. Unsupportive people - gone. Two-faced idiots - gone. Anybody in my life that is less than honest, less than supportive, less than what "family" should be - gone. These past few months found me at the limit to what I could tolerate. I don't like to see my family hurt because of somebody else's gross insecurities or selfishness. It hurts me and it pisses me off to see them hurt. I also find myself not caring if those toxic people are blood relatives or others in my life that have caused hurt without a care as to the pain they have caused. I hate seeing people close to me hurt even if it is unintentional, which hasn't all been the case unfortunately. Intentional harm is the worst and most unforgiveable. It'd be nice to live a life without drama, without lies and toxic behavior.

These have been some painful realizations I have had to come to terms with this past year. I've watched people very close to me, innocents, hurt unnecessarily because of other people's selfishness. Whatever your definition of family - whether you believe it is the family you are blood tied to, the family you marry into, or the unrelated "family" you choose to surround yourself with, this is how I feel. I have no tolerance left for toxic people and/or toxic relationships anymore. Anybody who has less than good intentions for me and mine, I have no respect for. Period.

I see some people who are able to tolerate it, swallow their hurt and pretend everything is ok though inside it is not and the relationship does suffer even if they pretend on the outside all is well. The same problems exist but you pretend they don't. I've tried that; it doesn't work for me. The hurt compounds over time as they heap more salt into the open wound. I am not one of those people to accept that though I've tried to - sometimes with my mouth shut but usually not. Everybody that knows me well knows I speak up when I see something or somebody hurt unfairly and if it one of my own hurt, "it" will hit the fan and it won't be pretty. If people don't like that about me - too bad. It is who I am, and people who have a problem with that are welcome to move on elsewhere.

I'm not sure if this realization has come with age but I kind of don't think so. I've always had a low tolerance level for stupidity and for people who unfairly hurt the people that I love, especially my kids and husband. When that happens, watch out!

Well, I'm tired of it. My New Year's wish this year is that everything toxic and anybody with less than pure, loving good intentions leave me and mine the heck alone. I'm tired of drama. I'm tired of lies. I'm tired of selfish insecurities. I may have had little choice on who is "family" outside my immediate home, but that doesn't mean I have to just accept it and invite it into my life now or ever. It isn't my responsibility to swallow my feelings to keep the peace due to somebody else's issues. Those feelings eat me up inside and for what? To pretend to have some semblance of a relationship with somebody you don't respect, like, or care for to keep the peace?

My definition of family is changing. It's time to clean house for the coming New Year! To me, family may be blood-related or they may not. To me, family may be people outside of blood ties that are in my life and offer the support and love that doesn't come from "blood". Blood is not always thicker than water. Harsh realization to finally accept but it's like a load off to finally do so.