Periodic Gimp

After an early morning of rushing around to get the kids ready and myself showered to take the kids to school, we rushed into the school with two kids heading towards their wing of the school and me following my middle schooler to her wing to sign some papers for her reading class. I get that done, she hugs me, and I tell my daughter and her friends good-bye and start the walk back to the parking lot. Half-way there, my ankle gives out, leading me into all kinds of cursing in my head towards my parents while I limp in pain back to the parking lot (which seems a lot farther away now).

Why curse my parents when they aren't even in the same state? Usually, I don't think you can blame your parents for things that go wrong in your adult life based on your childhood. I think people who do that choose to play victim to their past, use it as an excuse not to make better decisions. However, in the case of the lame ankle, yup, I blame them.

When I was in 4th grade, I was playing kickball at recess. Running around the bases, I slid into 3rd base to avoid getting out, turning my ankle in the process. In pain and not wanting to put any weight on my foot, I figured I'd done some damage and it'd get fixed up. That's what parents do right? They take their child to a doctor for x-rays, wraps, casts, etc...whatever is needed. Not mine. They wouldn't take me to the doctor. I remember sitting in pain on the couch and being flabbergasted that they were refusing to take me to the doctor. We had medical insurance so why wouldn't they?

After that, that ankle became my problem ankle. In the 18 years that followed my 4th grade slide into 3rd base, my weaker ankle gives out on me periodically. I'll be walking along and them Bam! Instant gimp!

To this day, I don't know what I did to my ankle all those years ago. I'm not a doctor or a nurse, but I sure wish one had looked at it all those years ago so that I wasn't getting taken by surprise by the weakness and pain suddenly (and embarrassingly). I doubt after all this time that anything can be done. So, I continue to curse my parents out periodically when I am walking along and suddenly become a gimp.

Why wouldn't a parent take their child to the doctor (let's assume for the sake of argument that it's not against any religous beliefs, that there was definite pain, and it was covered by insurance) if it was needed?

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Missing The Way Things Used To Be

I've been on Facebook a lot the last couple of months. I never liked Facebook before but then I found some old high school friends and started chatting with them. Most recently, I've found cousins from my mother's side that I haven't seen in years! That's been nice. It's also made me a bit sad.

When we were younger, the families were close and had a lot of fun spending time together. They were hilarious - the jokes and the laughs that sounded like cackling hens. Swimming in the pond, riding around on a little motor bike, cook outs, climbing up the hay stacks, my favorite cow, Elsie. My aunt used to give me pickles she canned herself because she knew they were my favorite. My cousins were older and I thought my male cousins were quite cute. As a shy little girl, it was a lot of fun to be around my teasing older cousins (they're still darn cute now, believe me, lol). Once I was an adult, I had my own relationship with my aunt. I would call her; she was great to talk to.

Then some stuff came to light about things that happened before we were even born and it tore the siblings (the parents of all of us cousins) apart and never again was that closeness to be found between them. I doubt they will ever get that relationship back and I can understand why. However, I am not sure that bringing things to light that happened so long ago was a good idea now. At the time, I felt like sides were drawn and in doing so, lost the relationship with my aunt and cousins. I am also not sure that the kids should have been told about any of this information because, naturally, loyalty would come into play even though we (at least me) were only told the bare minimum...no details. Just enough to let us know "what" but not "when" or "how" or anything else. What good did bringing it to light do? Did it help?

Some of my siblings and cousins managed to leave their parents' conflict out of the relationship and maintain a close relationship. They didn't allow the conflict to affect their relationship. They still see each other and seem to be friends as well as cousins. Maybe it was because they were closer in age so it was more natural. I don't know.

I do know that I miss my cousins. I miss my aunt. She is getting up there in age and it makes me sad thinking about all the time that has been lost. "Seeing" them on Facebook has been great, but it's made me a little sad the last couple weeks too.

You can't go back to the way things were (and I would never want to repeat my childhood) but these were good memories and I guess when you don't have a lot of good childhood memories, the ones you do have mean more to you.

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Secrets Part II - Why Tell?

So why were the secrets of one siblings spilled to another? When is it ok to tell dirty little secrets?

This sister doesn't make a habit of spilling secrets (that would another sister, the raging sister, who tells every secret of the family...she's the one you tell if you want everybody to know). Anyway, I've talked to this sister regularly for months and she never said a word to me. She kept the secrets (along with our mother who knew most of what was going on as well) until she became too worried and went to the one sister (who was once very close to troubled sister) who she hoped could reach troubled sister. She wanted this sister to talk to the troubled sibling. This sister had already tried talking to troubled sister time and again without success. Due to the downward spiral these two parents were on, she thought it best to call Protective Services to step in since family had not been able to help either of these two parents (and I agree). She was worried about the kids.

So now troubled sister has said this sister (who called CPS) is now out of her life now too. Boy, siblings are dropping like flies around troubled sister.

If you don't agree with her behavior, you're not a part of her life anymore. My feeling is if you are doing something you are ashamed of or have to be embarrassed about, then you shouldn't be doing it. She put herself in this position and now is embarrassed because the case worker who showed up at her house yesterday to investigate was a girl she went to school with. It's a small world after all...

Anyway, the outcome is that another sibling (raging sister prone to over-exaggerations to make herself look better and others worse) is coming down hard on the sister who told the secrets and making it look like other family are mad at her for it (besides the two parents who are now the subject of CPS again). Any excuse she can find to come down on this sister, she'll find it but that's another issue altogether.

To answer my own question in the first paragraph: There are two children at risk. You don't keep secrets when kids are at risk. If my sister didn't have children, then she's an adult and could live how she chooses but when you have kids and neglect your children and make decisions that could put them in harm's way, then all bets are off and dirty little secrets need to be made known so help can be given (or forced in this case, since all past help has been spit on, to protect the children from drug use, loaded weapons, instability, neglect, etc.).

Ahh, the life of family dysfunction. Just in time for the holidays. Right on time.

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Secrets Part I - Calling Child Protective Services on Family

Could you call Child Protective Services on a family member if you thought their children were in danger? I've done it a couple times so I guess my answer to that would be a resounding, "YES!"

The first time I called, it was on my own parents when I was a kid. I didn't think they were taking care of their children right (all eight of them) so I contacted CPS.

I called again yesterday on my little sister and her husband (not the first time they've been brought to CPS' attention). My other sister and I talked yesterday morning about the situation and she was thinking about calling...as was I. We both felt it was just a matter of time before one of the kids were seriously hurt due to their neglect and activities. So when we got off the phone, I started looking up their county protective services information online when she calls me back a short time later. She's shaken and sounds like she's crying because she called CPS on her baby sister. It needed to be done. She gave me the contact name she talked to so I called them right away and told them that they had a file on this family already (opened last year on them) and that they hadn't followed up on that as they should have! They asked ME if any more information had been found out about that initial case (on what caused it). Hello! That was YOUR JOB! I understand they are overworked with all the kids in the system but because of the reason for the initial opening of this case, they should've done more. Anyway, they asked me a lot of questions and I gave them what answers I knew.

They showed up unannounced at their door this morning and is the littlest sister pissed off. She's more angry at a different sister who didn't keep her secrets and told our other sister and myself about what was going on over there (confused about the sisters? lol...I have five sisters). My response to that is if she'd been parenting properly instead of neglecting her children and placing them in possible danger, none of this would have happened. Geezus! Take some responsibility for your own actions that brought this on...stupid.

So, I told the other sister who called first to relax and stop worrying because she's four weeks pregnant and doesn't need this stress right now. It was the right thing to do. The sister who told all the secrets to us is sitting in her therapist's office right now because she's stressed over all of this and the baby sister's reaction towards her for telling us what they were doing (or not doing) with regard to taking care of their kids.

What does she expect?

If CPS drops the ball again, I will be livid.

Could you call Protective Services on a family member?

For all the nut busters out there, everybody has tried to steer these parents onto the right path over the past couple years and they won't listen to family. Family members have stepped in time and time again, taking care of the kids, taking a parent to the psych ward, countless talks over their behavior, removing guns from the home, etc. I would glady take custody of these children if my own children wouldn't be put in harms way because of it but I can't. If one child (theirs) harms another child (mine), or children, you don't bring that child into your home to do it again.

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Holidays & All It's Dysfunction Is Coming!

The holidays are upon us. With my family, dysfunction is the "norm" but during the holidays, it reigns supreme. This year is going to be no exception I'll bet. In fact, I'm pretty darn sure of it. Ahhh...I stay somewhat insulated from it a state away as much as possible but at times, you just can't avoid it.

Do you struggle with dysfunction and major family tension during the holidays?

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Dear Santa: Up for Adoption

Well, it's been almost a year and I'm still waiting...for somebody to adopt me! Santa is getting ready to hit the sled with the reindeers again soon so I thought I'd put my letter to Santa out there again and hope he reads it at the North Pole.

Read my "adoption wish list" to Santa Claus here.

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Family Dysfunction

What do you do when your family is dysfunctional (not your husband and kids but siblings and parents)? For me, it was separating myself from the dysfunction so it wouldn't touch my kids or affect my life anymore than it did when I was a child (when I had no choice). Separating for me meant moving away and staying away from family functions because faking relationships with people I have no respect for just isn't in me to do. I don't fake it. It has also become about protecting my daughter from bad stuff that happened to her last year with family. Many reasons with all the same goal - protecting my kids from that cycle of dysfunction.

That's not to say that I feel that way about all of my siblings or parents...there are a few I wouldn't mind seeing. However, "blood" doesn't mean instant relationship for me and there are a few that don't mean a whole lot to me. Blood isn't always thicker than water, even when it comes to parents. I don't know if that makes me cold or if that makes me sane. I think sane. You can only be hurt so many times before you stop allowing it.

Even separating myself from it doesn't keep it all out. I still hear things here and there. There are still liars lying to take the heat off of themselves while their viciousness gets directed at other weaker family members and they'll try to take other family members along for the ride. Great attention diverter! You have mentally ill individuals who remain mentally ill and don't (WON'T) get help or take responsibility for themselves while lashing out at the weakest links in the family tree. Some people need to be evaluated for manic depression and bi-polar disorder. No names though right? Huh.

You have family members taking sides based on one side's lies and then already hurt relationships getting damaged further. You have family members who are made to feel unimportant and not worth knowing. You have miserable people spreading their misery...share the wealth I guess. It's screwed up.


Everybody messes up. I've had my share of mess-ups, but the difference is, I grew up. I made a conscience decision 13 years ago to grow up, to make better choices because I wanted something different than what I grew up with...different than the choices I'd made in men up to that point. I wanted a family and I wanted a family without the only dysfunction I'd always known. I didn't want kids raised in dysfunction. Sometimes, it seems like some people never do (grow up) and dysfunction is what they create and live in all the time. When their dysfunction starts to bring the heat down around their ears, they cause chaos elsewhere to divert the attention away. Pretty manipulative.

There are two sides to every story. Something to take into consideration. There are going to be exaggerations or things said to make one person look better over the other but I think a person's basic character (or lack thereof in this case), the one you've known since childhood, doesn't change that much. They just learn to hide it from the ones they need to and take it out on weaker individuals around them (spouses, siblings, and in some people's cases, kids).

Some people overcome the dysfunction they grew up with. Some stay muddled in it. Some learn how to be vicious because of it or maybe they were just born that way. Who knows.

When you have a large family like mine is (was? not much of a family anymore), there is a huge age span between the oldest and younger siblings. That means that older siblings grow up and are out of the house or at least teenagers in their own world before getting to really know some of the middle to younger siblings or experiencing firsthand the mentally ill behavior or outright viciousness of some. They don't see the lies or the violence (rage). They don't know.

I have my opinions about people in my family. Some family members are even lucky (or unlucky) enough to know what those feelings of mine are, lol. I have a right to those feelings based on my own experiences and relationships with particular family members and I will never be told not to talk a certain way or not to do something in terms of my relationship with any individual family member. My feelings, my relationship, my right. All family members should have that right to deal with their individual relationships with an individual family member on their own without interference or threats from others, especially when the reaction to that communication is blown out of proportion and based on another sibling's lies!

I've wrote a little about family dysfunction before. It's why I put myself up for adoption, lol. I've still available for adoption, by the way, lol. Family dysfunction stinks.

I don't think I'm done yet. There's more to say, but I'll leave it to another post. There is lot to say about mothers and daughters and even sister to sister. I could probably write a book. Like I said, it is why I live 200 miles away and will never move back "home" again. My home now is with my husband and children.

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